Today is Drew’s 26th birthday. It is the 5th birthday I have had to celebrate without him. I won’t lie, this has been a tough one. I’m not entirely sure why but I have felt myself fall in the rabbit hole and not much strength to get out of it. All the what if’s and what could be’s have been swirling through my mind.

What would Drew be doing with his life at 26? Would he be struggling to find himself? Would he be starting a family? Would he still be here in Santa Fe or trying to find his own way somewhere else? Those thoughts are truly the sucky part of child loss. It’s like reading a book and realizing the the last chapter was torn out. You know there should be more to the story but for some reason you aren’t able to get to the end. There was so much more to his story. He should have had a long life to celebrate and love.

This year I am having a hard time feeling the joy so I am just going to ride the waves of pain.

Happy birthday my sweet boy, the boy that made me a Mom, the boy that fills my heart. I love you to infinity and beyond.

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