I’m not sure what brought it on but Tuesday I felt like I had been covered in this heavy blanket of grief. I was sitting at my computer at work and realized I had tears running down my face. I really can’t pinpoint the “trigger” for this it was just the overwhelming feeling of missing my boy. I came home that night and my wonderful husband and Molly Moo Moo had made me a cake. I hadn’t even told them that I was feeling an emotional wreck.
So many of his friends are getting married, having kids, and starting their careers. They are adults now. Life goes on but Drew is forever 20. He will always be in that grey area of teenage-hood and adulthood. He never got to get his first apartment or his first “new” car. When I think of these things I really realize how much we lost with losing Drew.
Thursday I was just having a hard day, my lupus was flaring up and I just was in pain. I left work early so I could go home and take a warm bath and try to feel better. On my way home I had to stop at Tractor Supply so I could get some adhesive bandages to wrap my hands in. Madison had told me a few days before that we needed to get the cats a different cat food that doesn’t have grain in it. The food she wanted to get them was quite expensive and I thought to myself that I would just check the prices of the food at Tractor Supply. I go to the cat food aisle and sitting right there on the shelf with the cat food was this stuffed animal squirrel, and it just happen to be sitting on the cheapest bag of grain free food. I stood in the aisle what seemed like forever just staring at this squirrel. There weren’t any other stuffed animals around that area. Just this lone squirrel on top of the cat food. After my initial shock of seeing this squirrel, I broke out into the biggest smile. I realized this squirrel was not there by accident. This squirrel was put there as sign from my awesome boy. He knew I needed to feel him near me.
Of course I bought this squirrel and brought him home. I set him on the counter and laid down in bed. Randall and Molly came home and Molly “checked” in on my me. Then she went to the kitchen and noticed the squirrel. She was so happy to have her own “Bubba” squirrel. The “Bubba” squirrels name is Fuzzy Wuzzy. It’s funny after I would cut Drew’s hair, I would rub his head and call him my Fuzzy Wuzzy. So that 1 stuffed squirrel gave me the feeling of Drew near me but also gave Molly a connection to her brother.
I was walking into work on Friday and there were quite a few people walking in also. This lady was walking out and the gentleman asked her where she was going. She hollered over her shoulder that her kids school just called and they were closing because of the snow. I asked him “she said her kids school was closing”, as I had just dropped Molly off at school. He said yea but she lives up North. I told him Molly goes to Turquoise Trail and I will have to keep an eye on whether they will close early. He mentioned his kids go to Nina Otero and they don’t usually close early. He then tells me he coaches one of the basketball teams there. I then proceed to tell him about Smiles From Drew. I tell him what we do to help the kids participate in sports and activities. I look for a card for Smiles to give to him. I tell him that we want to help more of the kids that wouldn’t ever think of joining a sport because of the money. The gentleman tells me about a little boy on his team that is like that and that he doesn’t even have shoes but he is the hardest working player on his team. Without even I thought I tell him Smiles From Drew will buy him a pair of basketball shoes.
Before Drew died I would have tossed all these encounters as just chance and with no meaning. I know all the way to my marrow that my Awesome Boy wanted me to me this man and he wanted me to talk to him and he wanted me to help this boy. They are not chance encounters. They are moments my boy is engineering so that I know what I am doing has a purpose and that what Smiles does is important. It’s important to not only to my emotional well being but it’s important to the kid we help.
I always knew my boy was destined for greatness. I would tell him all the time from the moment I held him at birth that he was going to do something great in this world. How little did I know that he wouldn’t be here to see it but he sure still has his hand in the making of it. Since I never think at the time how we are going to do what we do for the kids, I need to figure out how to pay for basketball shoes. I know that it will happen and all work out the way it is supposed to.