I have started this blog probably a dozen times since the 5th of the month. Every time I start it I get upset and have to stop. I don’t quite know if anyone actually reads these blog posts but I do know it helps to get it out of my head. Writing these posts help with the constant swirl of thoughts that go through my head at all times.
23 months is 699.584 days 99.9406 weeks. I searched and searched and found no other ways to describe 23 months. Since it has taken me so long to finish this blog we are 2 weeks away from the 2 year mark.
I always knew my job as a mother was limited to a certain amount of time. As a mother you know that you raise them the best you can and hope you gave them the love and skills to make it on their own and they fly to their own lives. When Drew was about 14 I realized how quickly these moments with them really go by.
He was also 14 when he decided he wanted to live with his dad. My heart was broken. I truly thought at the time that was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me in my life. I cried all the time…I called him all the time…I sent care packages. I wanted him to know how much I loved him and even when he was not right there with me, he was always on my mind.
Oh how I wish that was the worst pain I had ever had to go through. I guess I wasn’t thankful enough…I wan’t enough… Almost 2 years ago I realized how naive I have been and how much time I wasted on the stupid things. I had ideas of things that needed to be done. Working, housework, homework. He would come and cuddle and I would get upset because I didn’t want to “wallowed” on. I was selfish. And I wasted moments. I failed as a mother, I failed and have to live with that knowledge.
I can’t believe it’s been 23 months…2 years…