Today is Easter and it was just one more holiday that we had to get through without Drew. When we were discussing what we wanted to do the only consensus was that we didn’t want to do what we always do. We knew we needed to do eggs and baskets for the girls but that is as far as I thought. Randall and I were talking about what we wanted to have for Easter dinner. I knew I didn’t have it in me to do a big meal. We bounced around a few ideas a roast or bbq. Then fried chicken was mentioned. The thought of even making fried chicken makes me lose my breath.
If anyone knew Drew you knew he loved food. There weren’t many things that I could make that he didn’t like. There were days he would eat like he had never eaten before in his life. There are a few things that make me think of Drew and fried chicken is one of them. There was a running joke in our house that if we wanted Drew to come around just make fried chicken. He had this sixth sense and almost no fail I would be making fried chicken he would either walk in or call me and ask what was for dinner. I have not made fried chicken since he died. I’m not entirely sure I can do it all now. The thought of knowing he will never be able to walk through that door just breaks my heart. It makes it hard to breath and makes my heart and body so heavy I can’t do anything else for awhile. There was so much laughter in the house when he would once again walk through the door and say “hey mama, I thought I smelled chicken”. Madison would yell at him “stray cat go home”. Oh how I wish I can hear them argue again.
There were so many things that Drew had a sixth sense about. My Grandmother and Uncle used to live in Sapello, NM, which is north of Las Vegas. We would make this trip practically every weekend and every break they would have for school. I am sure I made this drive hundreds of times. The kids would load up their stuff and buckle up and we would be on the road. The drive was just a little over an hour from here to there. It was almost a given that Drew would look up from his game, or whatever he was doing, and ask us where we were at. Every single time he would do this we would be passing the sign to Villanueva. I’m not sure he even did it on purpose. I would laugh and shake my head and tell him we are at Villanueva. I told him that when he was grown he should look for land in Villanueva because he obviously had a connection to the place. We stopped a few times so we could see what was drawing him to the place. I never saw it but he said that a cabin out there would be perfect. He wanted a cabin in the woods so he could go fishing whenever he wanted and “not be bothered”. I think Drew would have lasted a few days but he enjoyed peoples company too much.
That’s the worst part about when you have a child die. All their dreams are gone. All your dreams for them are gone. You never know what moment will stick in your head and remind you of them. You don’t know what will trigger a memory that will make you weak in the knees. I’ve been told that if I just do it (whatever it is) then it will take the power out the memory and I will be ok. Here’s the deal….my son died. I don’t want to take those memories. They are all I have left. I can never make him fried chicken again. I can never gripe at him for leaving his one sock in the living room floor. I will never be ok. I will be able to live and I will be able to other things for my family but no, I will never be ok. I carried him in my body for nine months and I made sure he was safe as he was growing up. Then there was a moment that I could no longer do that and now he is gone. I don’t want to be told “just do this” and life will go on…..if it makes me sad to make fried chicken respect that. Respect that there are things that are harder than others and you may not understand and I am glad you don’t but respect that we are doing the best we can.
Thankfully we were asked to come over to a friends house for lunch and egg hunt. I didn’t have to worry about cooking but I still felt my ever present hole in my heart. Drew should have been there today. He should have been helping Molly find eggs, and helping hide the eggs for the older kids. He would have had fun. Today I felt the hole in my heart a little more than usual.