They keep saying that there is no wrong way to grieve. That your body will know what it needs to do. Hmm… I’m not so sure about that. I know that there are times I have no control over when I am going to cry. I have no control over how many times a day Drew passes my mind. There are so many things I don’t have control over in this grief process but I feel like there are a few things I can control.
I can control whether I treat people like crap around me. It’s not their fault Drew died. Being mean and cross the the very people that are grieving with me will not bring Drew back. It doesn’t even make me feel better cause when I get out of my head for a moment I realize that I was just being a bully. The people that Drew was close to are all hurting right now all in different ways, all the more reason to show love and not hate. I can control whether I am going to go forward in this process and not stay in this place of pain. Now this may just be my way of thinking and Lord knows I am not always right. I feel like I can control whether I am going to turn his life into a legacy versus just someone I knew that died. I wonder if this is my Mama Bear coming out and I feel that everyone and anyone should know about this wonderful creature I brought into this world.
I know grief is messy and it’s not always pretty to look at. I know if I said half the stuff that runs in my head at any given moment not a single person would want to be around me. That’s the thing, I don’t say every thing that runs in my head. It doesn’t help me and it doesn’t help the person that has to hear it. I’m still in the beginning stretches of this journey. I have the whole rest of my life to grieve for Drew. The natural order was broken, a mother had to bury a child. There is not a part of that situation that is “normal” or “right”.
I have learned so far that I can’t do this on my own. Whether I go to counseling, reach out to friends or try to talk to other mothers that have walked this path. You have to reach out. If you feel like you aren’t being heard and understood go to the next person. As much as I hate that Drew is gone far too soon I would hate more if I become a bitter and horrible person. He would hate it if his death caused me to become that also. More than anything I want Drew to be proud of me. I want him looking down going “Good Job Mama, I knew you could do it”. At this moment right now I choose to let this strengthen me and do good with my energy. I know this is what Drew would want me to do. Now will I feel this way in a few weeks, months, or years. I don’t know but I sure am going to try to put out in the world what I want to come back to me.