Well we got through Thanksgiving. My husband did all the cooking, I think he was worried all my tears would make the food too salty. He did a fantastic job. He even managed to not put football on so I wouldn’t have one more reminder.

Our Thanksgivings have never been large. It’s usually just us, the kids and my Mom and Grandma. So when you are missing one with a gathering that small it makes the loss that much larger. It wasn’t very festive but most of us tried to be at least sociable. ¬†Times like this I wish my family was larger and we had more distractions. I wouldn’t miss Drew less but with more mayhem it’s easier to get lost in it.

With Thanksgiving over the sprint to Christmas is on. The shopping and baking. The gearing up for Santa starts in full force. Especially when you have a 3 year old, this is the year they start getting the concepts of Christmas at least the commercial side of it. Molly has already started talking about what she wants to ask Santa for. She wants fancy, pink, sparkly panties. I can’t wait to see Santa’s face when she tells him that. I love this age when their wants are so simple and sweet.

Thinking of Santa’s reaction to Molly’s request reminds me of a story of when Drew was little and his visit to Santa. He must have been 7 or so and he spent a lot of time out in the country with my Uncle and Grandmother. He has always loved to fish and “hunt”. So I pack up the kids to take them to the mall so they can tell Santa what they want for Christmas. Madison, sweet, Madison asks for the newest Barbie and pretty much anything pink. She proceeds to tell Santa how much she loves Barbie and how all her pets are named Barbie. Madison hops off of Santa’s lap pretty proud of herself and then it’s Drew’s turn. Of course he was at the age where he thought he was too big to “talk” to Santa. He reluctantly goes over to him and gives him a once over and I assume decides it might be worth the effort. He gets on his lap (sort of) and Santa begins to ask him if he was a good boy that year. He of course nods yes and Santa asks him what he would like for Christmas. Drew being a “country” boy he proceeds to tell Santa he wants a Ruger 22 with a long range scope, a k-bar knife and a few yards or rope. Santa looks at me like I am raising a serial killer and tells Drew that he doesn’t know if his elves can make a Ruger but how about a remote control car? Drew shrugs his shoulders and said “I guess if that’s all they can make it will do”. Needless to say Drew left his meeting pretty disappointed. For Christmas did not get him what was on his list but he left Drew a note telling him he did not think he was old enough for the items and he would keep them in mind for when he was older.


Looking back to that memory I can’t help but smile at Drew’s eagerness and love for the holiday. He acted like he was doing me a big favor by going to talk to Santa but he was just as interested in it as Madison was. When he got the point of “not believing” in Santa he was real careful to not ruin the illusion for Madison. I asked him a few years ago why he didn’t just tell her and he told me “but Mom there is only a short time that we get to believe in magic and you made sure there is magic every year”. I just stood there with my mouth open and shook my head at what a great person he was turning into. I tear up at these memories but I feel my heart glow a little brighter when I remember them. I hope I can give the girls some magic this year or at least for it to not be totally dismal. I don’t want them to look back and think of holidays before Drew’s death and holidays after. Molly deserves them to be magical. It doesn’t mean I am grieving less it just means I am pushing it to the back for the sake of the girls. In my heart of hearts I want to be like a bear and sleep till the holidays are over but I know that Drew would not like that.


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