Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. It’s the start of the Holiday season. For our family it the start of the “firsts” without Drew. This will be our first Thanksgiving without Drew. No matter how many times I say those words I have problems with the true knowledge of that sinking in. It can’t be possible that I will never again cook a meal for him or hear him laugh or feel his hugs. IMG_20120501_200338

I am trying to smile and be strong so everyone else can have a good holiday. The entire family will feel the whole that Drew would have filled. His sneaking into the kitchen to grab a handful here and there. We will be missing telling him he can not have dinner at the table without a shirt. We will be missing him being nowhere to be found when it is time to wash the dishes. His snores on the coach after the big meal. Him cheering when his team made a touchdown. All those things will be missing for us tomorrow. But we will have other things.

We will have my husband cooking his first Thanksgiving meal because he knew how hard this day was going to be for me. I will have 2 girls arguing over who got more cheese ball. We will have my mother pretending to be a kitty or whatever other animal Molly chooses her to be. We will have my grandmother sitting and cheering on Drew’s team. So even though there is going to be a huge whole in my heart and someone missing from our celebration we still have so much.

I was sitting here writing and Molly came to me and asked if I was sad because of Bubba. I said yes sweetie I am sad because Bubba died and went to heaven and I miss him. She says Bubba’s body quit working? I said yes, then she looks at me and says why don’t we just put new batteries in Bubba and he won’t be broken any more. I just looked at her and hugged her tight and told her I wish we could cause I would buy all the batteries in the world to have him back. She just shrugged her shoulders and started playing again. As much as those moments hurt I am thankful that I have them. I am thankful that my girls are strong and wonderfully empathetic. I am thankful I can have these moments that bring me out of the misery in my head and realize I am not the only one that is hurting and missing him.

I need to remember that the girls lost their big brother, their protector and the one person that could get their goat.I need to remember that my husband lost the chance to see Drew as someone other than a snotty teenager.  I need to remember that my mother lost her first born grandson. I need to remember that my grandmother has lost her oldest great-grandchild the 3rd man in our line that she has had to bury. I don’t know how I will have the strength but I need to find it.

So when you are sitting around the table with your family try to think of something that you are grateful for. Even in the darkest times God tries to shine a light to show us that we are not alone. While your at it have a bacon wrapped stuffed jalapeno and think of Drew. Think of all the families that might be struggling this season and say a little prayer. Reach out and tell them that you are thinking of the ones they lost.


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