November is the month of Thankfulness and Gratitude. When you are in your journey grief its easy to not see the good around you. I will admit I have this problem too. I get too wrapped up in the emotions in my head to be able to see past it. Then there are those times you look and you see the shimmer of hope and understanding and you are like “ok I can do this, this is my path now”. I have a few of these moments this week.
November has never been my favorite month. My birthday is in November and more times than not my birthday is plagued with bad luck. Over the years I work for weeks to prepare myself for what may come for my birthday. So with this dread already in my heart I am even less inclined to look forward to my birthday. I will be turning 40, the big 4-0-. I had told everyone last year that I no longer wanted to celebrate my birthday. I think my family forgot that I told them this last year. I am pretty sure that they believe I don’t want to celebrate because of Drew or that I am turning a milestone age. That’s not it. I am excited to be 40. I loved my 30’s and think my 40’s will be even better ( I hope). I just plain simple do not care for my birthday. As you can imagine I am even more anxious about this month with Drew not being here.
With that being said I have had a hard time seeing the goodness around me. Until this week. I am in a Facebook group called No Experience Necessary or NEN as we call it. We are a group of women that were all pregnant at the same time with our 3 year olds. We celebrated the births and milestones of all the children together. We have gotten very close in these almost 4 years together. I would never have thought I would be able to find friends much less the depth of friendship from people I have never met in person. But I did and am so thankful for this group. We are a group of 40 some women from all over the country and a few in other countries also. We have young mothers that their 3 year olds were their first children, we have mothers that have multiple children and some that have had a few more since. As a group we have shared achievements and helped each other in sorrow when people have lost parents and some relationships. Like any groups that involve people that have vastly different personalities we have our differences. Motherhood is not linear or one sided everyone is going to do it a little different but for the most part we accept that everyone one of us are just doing what we think is best for our family and we are still friends. This group of women have been there for me for everything. You should have seen how my mailbox was overflowing with well wishes when I graduated. When I lost Drew they were right there too and still are. This is harder for some than others because the loss of a child is a mothers worst nightmare it brings up so many emotions especially if it hits close to home. I just want each one of them to know that I am truly grateful and blessed to call you friends and sisters. So thank you for letting me see some good right now Lauren, Melissa, Amanda B., Janet, Kari, Kristina, Lauren Sa., Lorilyn, Shyleen, Kasha, Rita, Lexi, Amanda T., Jade, Holly, Melinda, Nika, Pamela, Vee, Tiffaney C., Angel, Sharonda, Debbie, Tiffany K., Kelly, Molly, Danielle, Erin, Chelsea, Ashli, Amy, Cassie and Melanie.
There are so many other things that are sparkling in my life and I just need to be able to open my eyes and see them. With the help of friends and family I will be ok. This path is not one I would have chosen but I intend to pave it with love and healing to make it more bearable.