I’ve gotten through another milestone without Drew with us. We were able to muddle through Halloween. I did manage to make sure the girls had costumes but I forgot Molly’s class party.  I keep telling myself that I win some and lose some. I can’t remember everything.

Drew loved Halloween. He loved dressing up and being a superhero or something of great importance like a ninja. He especially loved getting candy and being able to scare people and hopefully not get yelled at. It had been a few years since Drew had wanted to do anything with us for Halloween but that still doesn’t take away the fact that he was not here for the First Halloween without him. It seems like my life is divided into before and afters. The afters are so much harder to bear.

Before Drew died I loved to cook. Now I do it cause my family likes to eat. Before I loved to listen to my children laugh with each other. After their laughter just reminds me that I am missing one. Before I loved to help make their costumes, after I found no joy this year in the whole process. I hope as time goes on I will be able to find more joy and less heartache.

Before Drew died I believed our love ones are in Heaven and look down and help guide us in our lives. After Drew died my soft hums of God talking to me is silent. Drew is silent, I have no feelings of him around me. I think quite often of the silence in my mind. I wonder what I have done throughout my life to deserve this fate of longing for something I once had and now it is out of my reach. I wonder if Drew is so disappointed of me that he can’t talk to me? When Drew was 3 I took away his beloved Jurassic Park dinosaur toy. He proceeded to tell me what a bad mommy I was and he was never going to talk to me again. He spent 3 days going around the house looking at me saying” I’m still not talking to you but can you….”. He eventually started talking to me and I hope that eventually I will be able to hear Drew once again.

Before Drew died I was ignorant to the idea that my life was as good as it was. After I see so many cracks and see so many things I wish I had done different. Before Drew died I would see him calling on my phone and wonder how much money he wanted this time. After I look at his contact information on my phone praying it will ring and I can hear his voice one more time. I’m pretty sure Drew was like most 20 year old boys he was a “man” but didn’t know how to make an appointment to the Dr. He would get paid and blow his check on soft pellet guns because he knew I would help him out. A few weeks before Drew died I had a talk with him and explained to him that I could not keep giving him money. I was not doing him any favors by bailing him out. Oh it would be worth every penny I had and will have just to see him again.

I know I am not the only mother to have ever lost a child but I was Drew’s mother and he is gone. I want my divides of before’s and after’s to be less painful. I do know that before Drew died he had the opportunity to grow into a great man, be a great husband and hopefully become a great father. After Drew died he will forever be 20.


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