Anyone that is on my friends list for Facebook has noticed I having been trying to do daily posts called Capture Your Grief. Here is the web page if you would like more information on this wonderful project, http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/capture-your-grief-2015.
October is the month that people recognize pregnancy and infant loss. I have a dear friend that lost her sweet baby girl to SIDS and she posted about this project. I was very intrigued about the idea and with my overwhelming urge to be super busy right I thought this project would be just what I needed. I did not realize how emotionally driven this was going to be for me. Every day for the month of October she has made a subject for the day. It started with a sunrise and will end with a sunset. I did not see that doing the project daily was going to be a problem. When I first read the list of the subjects for the day I thought to myself “oh how hard can this be”. Each day made me consciously reflect what I was thinking for that subject. Which reflecting has not been easy for me to do since August 5, 2015. Day 15 Regrets and Triggers almost had me in a standstill. I felt like I had so much to say but when I started typing my post it just dammed up. When I started thinking about it I felt this sense of complete loneliness.
I am one of those people that tend to take on guilt even when it is not warranted so to make me reflect on my regrets of losing my child was a lot
for me to bear. I feel like there are so many things that I could have and should have done different in raising Drew. Those will be my crosses to bear as time goes on. I do know that I loved him with all my heart and he knew that. I also know that he made choices and they may not have always been the right choices. He made those choices not because he wasn’t taught what was right or wrong but he felt the need to fill his own void. The people that caused that sense of longing in him will have to live with their own sense of regrets.
I am not afraid to admit that I am struggling with this Capture Your Grief Project but I am determined to finish it and stay on the road to healing. I will always have a whole in my heart where Drew resides but I would love to get to the point that there is less pain and more joy in his memory. Drew loved to see people happy and laughing. I know in my heart he would not want me to be so sad because of him. What he doesn’t understand is he and I are connected and without him I feel lost.