I was thinking about the odds of losing a child. I see so many people that has lost one at one point in time. As parents we gamble. We gamble that we can keep them safe, that we are teaching the things they need to know to be out in this world and we gamble that the world will be kind to us and not take one of ours.
I know that life is not a given, that death is an inevitability. However, never in a million years did I think it would touch my doorstep. I didn’t think that I would have to feel this haunted pain. My odds are now 1:3 or 2:3. I guess it’s kind of like looking at whether the glass is half full or half empty. I have Lost 1 out of my 3 children or I have 2 out of my 3 children left. I have noticed that it depends on the mood of the hour as to how I feel about those odds. In Vegas standards I am not doing bad, but in my heart I have lost everything.
We had our first celebration this weekend without Drew. I had been trying to make myself stronger for the other holidays that are coming up that I didn’t even think how hard that day was going to be. My littlest one turned 3. What a marvelous 3 she is. I wanted to jump up and down for joy that she entered my life but all I could do was cry because I knew she will never know her brother. She will hear stories of him, she will know him through us, but she will never truly know him and his love for her. I was remembering the day she was born and it was going over and over in my head. Drew was the 2nd person to hold this miracle. He was the one that handed her to me for the first time. I felt blindsided by my emotions on that day. I was totally unprepared for the gaping hole in my heart to throb. I cried the whole day, I cried for myself that I no longer have a son. I cried for Molly that she no longer has a big brother. I cried for the person Drew was supposed to be and he will never have the chance to be. To be quite honest I just cried. I cried to the point I wondered if a person could get dehydrated from crying so much.
I have kept myself so busy since his death the tears were probably just built up and the dam that was holding them back just sprung a leak. I still don’t think the magnitude of his death has hit me. There are times that I will tell myself that Drew is just away at college or he is just on a trip. It doesn’t get rid of the ache but it does make it so I can paste that smile on my face and carry on for the others in my life that needs me. I know in my mind he is gone. I know I will never see him again in this world, but what keeps me going is that I will see him in the next. He will be waiting for me and saying “Hey Mama”.
Since my odds at this moment are 2:3 I soldier on for the girls that need me. I do all the steps I can to keep the odds in my favor. I tell them I love them more and hug a little more often just in case my odds change.